When it approaches conflictMost people intend to resort, while others try to find common ground. This is a mistake by authors Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas.
In his new book « Conflict Resilience: negotiating disagreement without giving up or giving » both of them argue that trying to resolve conflicts pulls the interaction of their value and that you will get more to have these difficult conversations if you try to learn, not try to win.
« We think of conflict how to have the opportunity to promote connection and create a really relationship, » says Bordone. He is the founder and former director of the Harvard Clinical and Mediation Clinical Program.
People who are good for sailing conflicts do not have the mentality that disputes are bad.
There are some areas of disagreement that is impossible to solve
Joel Salinas
Behavior Neurologist and Clinical Scientist
« If your orientation about what you are doing is so negative, it is much harder to be able to be able than if you have another and, just say, a more accurate frame, » says Bordone.
In fact, they see it as an opportunity to validate the other person’s side. Instead of entering with a list of points, prioritize listening questions and ask questions.
« The work of being resistant to conflicts is to enter a landscape that does not have a script because it is motivated by a sense of curiosity for something of another person, » says Bordone.
Salinas, a behavioral neurologist and clinical scientist at New York University, says that people who excel in manipulating skirmishes, whether in their personal life or at workplace, also know that sometimes it is unrealistic to wait to see eye to eye.
« There are some areas of disagreement that is impossible to solve, » he says.
A conversation is not a « opportunity to dial points »
For Bridge Divide Throughout a conversation, you must try to understand the fears of the other person, Kurt Gray, professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill and author of « Outraged: why we fight for morality and politics and how to find common ground ». told CNBC to do it earlier this year.
« We often go into these conversations and it’s not a conversation, » says Gray. « It’s an opportunity to score points or try to make the other person look stupid. A real conversation is a thing where you ask questions. »
Gray recommends taking three steps to have better conversations when you disagree with someone:
- Try to understand your motivation: Ask questions and express a real curiosity about how they came to their conclusion.
- Validate this motivation: Even if you do not agree with your point, you can say that you understand how they arrived.
- Highlights your personal connection: Instead of hitting them with facts, be vulnerable and tell them why you do not agree with them on a personal level.
Others are more likely to find some merit in your argument if you share a personal anecdote, unlike some statistics, to prove why you are where you are.
« Establishing a connection with someone, seeing them as a human, I think it is a long way, » says Gray.
You both let you feel -you better and more respected if you at least try to understand each other.
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